he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
