he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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