He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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