I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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