You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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