I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
