Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Randomize
