I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
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