The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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