u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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