Yo dont text me then not text me
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
