names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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