God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
