What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
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