mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
