I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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