Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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