I am spending my child support on dildos
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
