She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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