Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
