dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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