Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
