I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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