All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
