At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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