Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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