I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
