I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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