When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
