i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
