I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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