My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
