I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
