does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
