will power is for people who don't want to get laid
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
