Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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