Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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