I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
