Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
