Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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