My hand turned me down
babies were throwing up all over the place
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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