I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
