If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
