matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
