batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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