Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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