Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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