Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
