I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
