just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
